So, over the last week or so I have been going back over my own divorce and feelings. I am really trying to figure out what makes women act so harshly to someone they once loved so much. The sad truth, is that the vast majority of women act out very cruelly to their husbands/ex-husbands/boyfriends. Why is this? Is it that the men are so horrible to us that we all feel the need to make them suffer? Is it a socially acceptable thing? How many of us actually sit and think about how we reacted to divorcing, what we said and didn't say, what we blew out of proportion?
As I have been writing this blog I have researched a lot about divorce rates, bitter women, angry men, children emotionally traumatized, all of it really. And I originally found myself shocked and disgusted by these women and their actions. How could they act this way? Say these things? Go to such great lengths to get what they "deserve". It has bothered me quite a bit, so much that I often have laid awake at night wondering what the world had come to.
Back in August of this year, I found myself in court with my ex-husband once more over our children and for the first time I had an epiphany. After being told by the judge of how she felt some of his actions with our children were irresponsible and wrong, she turned to me. Her words stung me, at first I was angry with her accusations but as I left, I began to understand what I had been doing. She told me I was selfish, I only put MY needs in the equation and didn't think about my children. I couldn't believe she would sit and say such a thing, I had been living for my children since the day they were born. Yes, in the initial phase of our divorce I had done some reckless things. Nothing to hurt our children, but after tearing apart their family I became consumed with myself. Our children reminded me of him, all the pain, all the happy moments I wanted to get away from, it just hurt to look at them. So I distanced myself emotionally. But other then those few months, I had felt justified in my actions. I felt I was doing what was best for everyone. Not just me. I guess I hadn't seen the whole picture and I admitted to myself how wrong I truly was.
Looking back now, I was depressed, I was terrified and I was hurt. I had been a homemaker for several years, no college education, no source of income, no spouse around to help me "tag team" the fearsome trio of our household and I was living with family with my three toddler children. On top of that, I felt alone. I had no one to truly confide in, or discuss my options with. I was told to find a job and start building my life again. How was I going to manage? How was I going to work and live on my own and pay for childcare for three small children? As you can tell, every question was about me. I didn't once back then think about my husband at the time. What he must be feeling. His wife had just up and left in the blink of an eye because of emotions she couldn't handle that she'd been trash bagging for years. His children, whom he saw everyday, he now was restricted to seeing two times a week. His life had just been turned upside down and I only thought about me. I thought I was doing what was best for our children, but in reality, I was only thinking of ME.
It hurts having that realization now. My ex-husband and I have a pretty amicable relationship now (thanks to his willingness to do what is right for our children), but it wasn't always that way. We, as women, often times "victimize" ourselves. We talk to our girlfriends and mothers who of course side with us and we get this sense of empowerment that we are right and what we're doing is about getting what is rightfully ours, what we're entitled to. The court systems don't help either. They empower women to not only dig the father of their children's grave but also bury him so far beneath the ground he has no chance of surviving.
Is it the fact that we get our heads pumped up with all the ways we can take them for everything they have? Is it the "things" fellow supporters put in her heads about how awful the ex was to us, when in logic, we only contributed to the downfall? In my opinion, it takes TWO people to make a marriage/relationship work. It also takes TWO people to make it fail as well. When we have children, we often lose sight of our significant others, we lose sight of us as the women we were BEFORE children. We just let it all go and focus on our children. There is nothing wrong with being focused on your children, we're wired to be that way, but you have to keep up with your relationship. Take trips ALONE together, go out on date nights, keep your appearance up and fresh. Remember the conversations you had before children? I hardly doubt you were talking about your changing diapers and salvaging electronics from toilets. Before children, you were likely to be a very interesting and beautiful woman, something had to spark their interest in the first place. After children we become "frumpy", grouchy, and just boring.
Ladies, it is vitally important to remember who you are outside of being a mother. Why did your husband fall in love with you? If you're a second wife, or on the marriage track for an additional lap, remember that. I think the lack of intimacy in marriages in today's world are the biggest factors of divorce. It's what leads to cheating, less time spent together, resentment and so on.
I plan on discussing this topic a bit more in later blogs but just wanted to get my thoughts out there on this subject. Maybe the blame isn't entirely on the ex, maybe it's on the wife as well. And if you are in the midst of a divorce...Really sit and think about the other adult in this situation. Sit and ask yourself, honestly, if you would feel things were fair if the script was flipped. Men are just as important in their children's lives, if not more later in their childhoods. This is a tough pill to swallow and most women will probably argue with these facts. But I think that if you are truly honest with yourself and your situation you might actually see things a bit differently. This is why I came up with the title of this post...Men are logical. When they file for a divorce you see them making sure their wife and children are taken care of and comfortable. That their lives are not disrupted in anyway. When women file for divorce it's straight for the jugular. No rational planning, just take him for all he's worth or hit him where it hurts. End of story. Thoughts to ponder guys...
Signing off,
Shalisha
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