Men Are Logical Thinkers, Women Are Just Emotional

So, over the last week or so I have been going back over my own divorce and feelings. I am really trying to figure out what makes women act so harshly to someone they once loved so much. The sad truth, is that the vast majority of women act out very cruelly to their husbands/ex-husbands/boyfriends. Why is this? Is it that the men are so horrible to us that we all feel the need to make them suffer? Is it a socially acceptable thing? How many of us actually sit and think about how we reacted to divorcing, what we said and didn't say, what we blew out of proportion?

As I have been writing this blog I have researched a lot about divorce rates, bitter women, angry men, children emotionally traumatized, all of it really. And I originally found myself shocked and disgusted by these women and their actions. How could they act this way? Say these things? Go to such great lengths to get what they "deserve". It has bothered me quite a bit, so much that I often have laid awake at night wondering what the world had come to. 

Back in August of this year, I found myself in court with my ex-husband once more over our children and for the first time I had an epiphany. After being told by the judge of how she felt some of his actions with our children were irresponsible and wrong, she turned to me. Her words stung me, at first I was angry with her accusations but as I left, I began to understand what I had been doing. She told me I was selfish, I only put MY needs in the equation and didn't think about my children. I couldn't believe she would sit and say such a thing, I had been living for my children since the day they were born. Yes, in the initial phase of our divorce I had done some reckless things. Nothing to hurt our children, but after tearing apart their family I became consumed with myself. Our children reminded me of him, all the pain, all the happy moments I wanted to get away from, it just hurt to look at them. So I distanced myself emotionally. But other then those few months, I had felt justified in my actions. I felt I was doing what was best for everyone. Not just me. I guess I hadn't seen the whole picture and I admitted to myself how wrong I truly was.

Looking back now, I was depressed, I was terrified and I was hurt. I had been a homemaker for several years, no college education, no source of income, no spouse around to help me "tag team" the fearsome trio of our household and I was living with family with my three toddler children. On top of that, I felt alone. I had no one to truly confide in, or discuss my options with. I was told to find a job and start building my life again. How was I going to manage? How was I going to work and live on my own and pay for childcare for three small children? As you can tell, every question was about me. I didn't once back then think about my husband at the time. What he must be feeling. His wife had just up and left in the blink of an eye because of emotions she couldn't handle that she'd been trash bagging for years. His children, whom he saw everyday, he now was restricted to seeing two times a week. His life had just been turned upside down and I only thought about me. I thought I was doing what was best for our children, but in reality, I was only thinking of ME.

It hurts having that realization now. My ex-husband and I have a pretty amicable relationship now (thanks to his willingness to do what is right for our children), but it wasn't always that way. We, as women, often times "victimize" ourselves. We talk to our girlfriends and mothers who of course side with us and we get this sense of empowerment that we are right and what we're doing is about getting what is rightfully ours, what we're entitled to. The court systems don't help either. They empower women to not only dig the father of their children's grave but also bury him so far beneath the ground he has no chance of surviving. 

Is it the fact that we get our heads pumped up with all the ways we can take them for everything they have? Is it the "things" fellow supporters put in her heads about how awful the ex was to us, when in logic, we only contributed to the downfall? In my opinion, it takes TWO people to make a marriage/relationship work. It also takes TWO people to make it fail as well. When we have children, we often lose sight of our significant others, we lose sight of us as the women we were BEFORE children. We just let it all go and focus on our children. There is nothing wrong with being focused on your children, we're wired to be that way, but you have to keep up with your relationship. Take trips ALONE together, go out on date nights, keep your appearance up and fresh. Remember the conversations you had before children? I hardly doubt you were talking about your changing diapers and salvaging electronics from toilets. Before children, you were likely to be a very interesting and beautiful woman, something had to spark their interest in the first place. After children we become "frumpy", grouchy, and just boring. 

Ladies, it is vitally important to remember who you are outside of being a mother. Why did your husband fall in love with you? If you're a second wife, or on the marriage track for an additional lap, remember that. I think the lack of intimacy in marriages in today's world are the biggest factors of divorce. It's what leads to cheating, less time spent together, resentment and so on. 

I plan on discussing this topic a bit more in later blogs but just wanted to get my thoughts out there on this subject. Maybe the blame isn't entirely on the ex, maybe it's on the wife as well. And if you are in the midst of a divorce...Really sit and think about the other adult in this situation. Sit and ask yourself, honestly, if you would feel things were fair if the script was flipped. Men are just as important in their children's lives, if not more later in their childhoods. This is a tough pill to swallow and most women will probably argue with these facts. But I think that if you are truly honest with yourself and your situation you might actually see things a bit differently. This is why I came up with the title of this post...Men are logical. When they file for a divorce you see them making sure their wife and children are taken care of and comfortable. That their lives are not disrupted in anyway. When women file for divorce it's straight for the jugular. No rational planning, just take him for all he's worth or hit him where it hurts. End of story. Thoughts to ponder guys...

Signing off,
Shalisha

Call It An Arrangement

Like every Saturday for the last several weeks, "Cybil" e-mailed...This time she not only e-mailed my husband, but also e-mailed me as well (same message). She wrote at the bottom that she had e-mailed me because, for some reason, I clearly thought she was the issue, when this in fact, was not true. This time she notified us both of her intentions of contacting the military about him being enlisted again. For some odd reason she is STUCK on him being back in the military, although he is not active or in the reserves any longer and keeps telling her that. She listed all of the departments and agencies she would contact and said that he had left her no other choice. 

No other choice? He had given you the answer to your requests, YOU just refused to accept his responses. Clearly, I was annoyed with the fact that once again she was bugging me AGAIN over this nonsense and e-mailed her back. I told her once more, that I had asked her to keep myself and my family out of her issues. Her problems did not involve me and they were none of my business. Further, I addressed the fact that if he was in the military she would know about it considering they shared custody of their daughter. 

I wasn't brutally mean to her, just addressed what she had written. I went out to run some errands and got an e-mail message on my phone several hours later. I was shocked to find her being a whole lot nicer than usual, a little sarcastic, but nicer. She actually thanked me for responding to her (is this a trick?) and told me she just wanted information. Alright, fine. If information is what will make you back off a little, then fine, information is what you'll get. I explained to her my position and that I was frustrated by her behavior and actions, so she wasn't the only person frustrated in this mess. I said that her dragging things out was only making life more complicated for everyone, the sooner their legal matters were finalized, the sooner we could all move on in peace. 

Surprise, surprise, she actually continued with being nice. I don't take it for being genuine, but mainly her just getting some attention she wanted for the moment and calming down for a bit. So, this is my latest go-around with "Cybil"...This whole ordeal with her has only taught me to try anything and everything when it comes to this woman. Snap back when she attacks, kill her with kindness when it's needed, and hell, sometimes throw the pity card right back at her. Whatever it takes to "deal" with her is what I will do. My husband is of course very skeptical. He says she is only doing it to gain information, my response? Well, information is what she wants, and the information she gets is on a need to know basis. I'm not putting myself in jeopardy and know her well enough to know that she will turn and stab you in the back when you piss her off or she wants something from you. I am smarter than that!

So, she now wants to be buddies and collaborate together on whether or not her lawyer and my husband's lawyer are actually doing their jobs. Fine with me...As they say, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer!" 

Onward and upward and shining on!
<3 The Nice Wife

What Makes Ex-Wives (Ex-Husbands) Act This Way?

So, your ex or your spouse's ex seemed normal enough in the beginning...

I mean, there had to be some reason that your perfectly sane husband (or wife) got with this maniac to begin with. Chances are they weren't acting psychotic when the two met, nor during the early stages of their relationship. But at some point, they obviously began to show signs of their unstable behavior and perhaps signs of their hatred for your now husband. Hence, the reason they probably got divorced in the first place. Now, of course you don't want to be the person to blame for such immature behavior, but it is highly likely that because of you, the ex-wife is going freaking ballistic. 

So, I came across a list of reasons why the ex may be acting like she belongs in a psych ward and included my own summary along with them...ENJOY! :) 

 So, let us begin, shall we?

SHEER UNHAPPINESS-
So, she originally wanted him out of the house, she wanted the divorce, she wanted the house, she wanted NOTHING to do with him. She was convinced there were far better men out there who would fawn over her and treat her better and she would be incredibly happy...But, then reality sets in. She's been on the market, dated a number of men who used her and she's probably met several losers who called her out on her craziness. She's single and alone and her ex-husband is happy? That cannot happen, she must make sure that if she isn't happy, he isn't happy either. Case CLOSED!

ATTENTION WHORE-
If you were on her Facebook page you would notice that she always is going on and on about how incredibly difficult her life is and is constantly seeking applause and attention for doing everyday Mommy duties even though every other woman out there is doing the exact same thing. In fact, she will go as far as acting childlike just to get attention from her ex-husband. Everything is always about her! She needs help with something broken in the house, she needs money for gas or clothes or the list can go on and on. She needs, she wants, it is never ending. Eventually, if your husband doesn't start telling her to stop or begins refusing to help her at every moment it will begin to drive a wedge between your relationship...Just what the ex was hoping for! 

EVIL, GREEN, JEALOUSY MONSTER-
Now, watch out for this one...It's the main cause for an ex to truly turn up the viciousness. If you are younger, prettier, or you are married and have had children with your new husband...WATCH IT! The new wife can NEVER outdo the ex-wife. It is like a huge no-no in her world and if you even seem to be one-upping her, she will be on you like white on rice to cause some friction. She could be having regrets about the divorce or maybe she is upset that he actually found happiness with someone other then her. You are now her arch nemesis and should be on guard from here on out if you fit under any or all of the above categories.

THIN LINE BETWEEN LOVE AND HATE-
Perhaps she is still in love with your husband. Chances are they have a history together and now she's realizing how much she misses and how wrong she was about thinking he was so horrible. She may try to make advances towards him (Cybil even invited my husband to stay with her when he was in NY for a custody hearing, of course, if his little girlfriend didn't mind). I actually did, and he made me go with him just so she couldn't try to act like she had done anything with him. If her advances aren't working, she'll resort to just bugging the life out of him. After all, like a child, negative attention is better than no attention at all. 


INSECURITIES-
The biggest one, especially when children are involved is that she may be afraid that their children will actually like you. Heaven forbid, they have a good time or find anything remotely nice about you. To her, they must hate you, and torture you when she doesn't have the chance to. She doesn't want her children to want to spend time with you or worse, ask to live with you and your husband because they like it there. She will resort to even bribing them just to get them to hate you and giving them everything they can ask for so that she is the fun and nice mommy. They will get away with murder with her...If you have seen the movie Step Mom with Julia Roberts you'd know the scenario I'm talking about. It's a tough pill to swallow. 


SHE'S A B*TCH!-
So maybe that is all it is. There is no reason behind it, nor any motives. She has always been and will continue to be a complete and total, b*tch on wheels! Enjoy the ride. Chances are she was always a nut job but your husband was "blinded by love" and soon realized this, much to late, leading to their divorce. 


IF, she is any or all of the above you've got a real issue on your hands. I'm dealing with the Queen "B" right now. My only advice is to seek some professional help...She's going to try to mentally and financially drain you both. 


Onward and upward and shining on!
<3 The Nice Wife

Do Psychotic Ex-Spouses Have Personality Disorders?

Okay, so I have been digging into the research on "psycho" ex-spouses and really trying to find out what other people are going through. There is tons of information on the internet, blogs, websites, support group, forums, and yes, even YouTube videos. I happened to come across this man's YouTube video which was titled, "Is A Dangerous Woman Planning to Divorce You". The video really had me intrigued. The more he talked, his name is Roy Sheppard, by the way, the more I sat there in agreement with what he had to say. I was actually a little disturbed and embarrassed of my own female species when I found myself thinking back to ex-friends or associates I have known who exhibited such behaviors. 

I actually had my husband watch it a second time with me to see if he was in agreement about certain characteristics resembling his own ex. From what I knew about their relationship and deterioration of their marriage all signs pointed to yes, and he sadly agreed. I read the comments on Roy's videos and sympathized with the men who claimed that their lives had been ruined by these women and that they were completely caught off guard. Now, you might think this is solely a woman hating man who is out to bad mouth all women, but I did not find this to be true. He does mention that men also may have these disorders and if you read his book or look into his facebook page he argues with men who feel that finding a "nice" woman is pointless. 

His post from his facebook page spoke true words of hope to men AND women who find themselves with "users" who only use them for their own satisfaction and then choose to discard and destroy them when they are "finished".

Roy Sheppard --- "Emerson. Please stop believing that ALL women are like this. They are not. You've obviously been badly hurt by nasty women. By holding on to the ideas you have - they will have won. Don't let them. The best revenge you can have is to lead a happy life without those nasty women by finding a gorgeous women who adores you. You have to be open to that possibility. Certainly be careful in the future though."

I don't think it could have been said much better. This posting is not to bash anyone but to reach out to those who may have lost hope in finding someone "good" for them. 

My ex-husband and I grew up with each other and were the typical "highschool sweethearts". The problem was that we GREW UP with each other. He knew my every secret, every awkward childhood moment and insecurity. With that information we never fought fair because past mistakes were always brought into any argument and it was basically just a mental beat down every single time. Along with that, the people we were as children and then as teens, were not the same people we became as young adults and parents. We began seeking different paths and there was never any compromise. We just simply made each other miserable and beat each other up because we felt that by having children we were just meant to be stuck with each other. I came to the realization that someone had to make a move and step out of the revolving cycle. Our children deserved better and so did we. There would be people out there who completed us and loved us for who we truly were and not who we were trying to force ourselves to be. 

I always say, I don't believe my ex-husband and I are bad people. I believe that we were just bad people together. We brought out the very worst in each other. Now that we can realize that and the hurt feelings and negativity is a thing of the past we can mutually raise our children in a positive environment. 

But that scenario is for the human kind of this world. The woman that Roy Sheppard describes, as one YouTuber remarked, is the DEVIL. Watch the video, you'll be thinking the same thing...This is insane. Can someone actually act like this? "Cybil" isn't the only one and frankly, I would be here for years days commenting on everything she has ever said or done that would leave you wondering if it were true or not. I have to admit when I first started getting serious with my husband I thought he was a bit crazy. I met "Cybil" and she hugged me. Of course, she made a few odd comments to me but her over friendliness SEEMED genuine. It was not until a few months later that I began to actually see what he was talking about. Not only could he not do anything right but now I was in the line of fire as being young and naive and not knowing how to be a parent. Never mind the fact that I have three children of my own and a daughter that is almost two years older than theirs. All of my children are normal, happy, loving and smart so I must know something.  

One thing I have learned from her is that she is very judgmental, when she in fact has no right to judge. She thinks women who have children out of wedlock or with more than one father are "hoes". Women who have big babies didn't take care of themselves during pregnancy because they sat around and ate junk food and simply didn't care about their child. Let's not mention the fact that although their daughter was a normal sized, beautiful and healthy little girl, her OB thought she was having a ten pound baby because of how big she was. Now, the same comment would not apply to her, of course, because she is perfect and does everything right. This is all out of her mouth.

I am the type of person who tries to reason with people's actions and words. I try to figure out what might be going through their head, what life experiences they have had, what makes them this person that acts this way. I have spent the last year trying to figure "Cybil" out. And I still have nothing. Maybe this personality disorder isn't so far off, she truly fits every single one of his symptoms he lists, so much that I could swear he had dealt with the wrath of "Cybil" himself. What I would love to know is how do you deal with these people? He clearly states that they refuse to admit they need help or ever seek it, so what do you do?

My question for my readers: feel free to comment below, have you ever dealt with someone like the person he describes? Male or Female? Do you know someone who has? Have you had a work colleague like this? I would love your feedback!

Onward and upward and shining on!
<3 The Nice Wife 

Now She Sends Threats...

So, for those of you who have been following the blog on it's official facebook page (titled the same as this blog's name), you heard earlier yesterday that "Cybil" had struck once again. I am learning to roll with the punches with the psycho but it still isn't any less frustrating. She has pretty much quit with bugging me at all, most likely because she knows I won't shy away from responding to her nonsense but now only chooses to alienate and send empty threats to my husband. Obviously, this is where her negativity should have been focused all along but of course she chooses to attack anything she can get her little claws into.


"Cybil", who claims that my husband is money hungry and strict with spending; for the past few weeks, has been all about getting money and lots of it. Or maybe I should just say draining, as that is what it actually seems to be. My husband, is very analytical about money and numbers when it comes to our finances so I can understand her point about being strict. This is something I love about my husband though. He can always tell you where money is coming and going at all times and he budgets beyond belief for every detail from the present into retirement. I wouldn't say that he is necessarily money hungry or controlling when it comes to money but he doesn't blow his money and then sit empty-handed wondering where it all went. "Cybil", on the other hand does just that and since she decided their marriage was over and gave him an ultimatum of getting out of what she said was "her" home, she has been without his budgeting services and keeps finding herself in financial jeopardy. Those are her words, not mine. To her, financial jeopardy, is not having cable turned on, having a $400 spending budget for groceries and then another several hundred dollars for eating out and alcohol. Yes, she has an amount of money she puts aside MONTHLY for alcohol consumption. I find it to be rather disturbing but apparently the courts don't see it as an issue, even though she has a long track record of alcohol and drug abuse. Anyways...


"Cybil" has spent the last several weeks griping and complaining to my husband, myself and MY ex-husband about how she is in financial jeopardy, she's about to lose her house, she can't make ends meet and how she is basically starving. To explain the situation in a nut shell...As you might have read in my profile my husband and I recently moved from Texas to San Diego, CA; and earlier this year from New York to Texas. We have been moving pretty much all year so his paycheck consistency has not always been on track when it came to child support payments. The first move was within his company, so child support wasn't an issue and was straightened out within a month's time. Something she was not at all affected by because of lying earlier this year about not receiving cash from him and getting double in child support paid on her account. Needless to say, after that incident he has made sure to pay child support directly to the agency rather then paying her directly. 


Our recent move to California was a huge risk on both of our parts as he decided to leave his company's account in Texas because of some disturbing issues within his location, that he felt were morally wrong. Due to his unwillingness to conform to his superior's wants, he felt his job was at risk and we moved...So, we're now looking for new employment. I have recently started working temp jobs for at least one day out of the week and I do freelance writing. Along with the help of family and his best friend we are making ends meet and getting by. We're not living an extravagant lifestyle, but we're happy because of the things we do have. This of course, has financially devastated her. In what way? I honestly don't know. The woman claims to be broke and starving but posts things on facebook about spending hundreds on shopping and going out to dinner and on and on about every few days so clearly she is not suffering. 


My husband pays close to $900 in child support and is currently less than a full month behind in support due to his overpayment earlier this year. How this means she is going to lose her house is unclear? It takes a lot of missed house payments to be near losing a home. Her only complaint is that she doesn't have cable...This apparently is serious financial jeopardy. Something that makes me laugh. My husband and I don't have cable either, even when we had the money we found it to be wasteful. We use Netflix and read the news online, that's all we need. But apparently being without cable for "Cybil" means she is suffering and that is just not allowed in her book. When this whole situation became about her and not their daughter is also another question. If you notice, all the suffering is from her, not their daughter. Isn't child support to help support the CHILD. Not give the mother a plush lifestyle. But laws clearly state that child support does not have to be explained in its usage, it just has to be paid.


My husband and her have exchanged e-mails back and forth about him looking for employment. She refuses to believe he has no job and thinks that he is hiding thousands from her that she is rightfully entitled to. He keeps telling her the situation and she keeps responding with the assumption that he MUST be lying and that for this reason she must continue to prod my ex-husband for information about his work life. Why my ex-husband would be concerned or even care to know what my husband does for a living is beyond me. My ex-husband's concerns are with our children and nothing else as he has previously stated so I am guessing she is hoping he will be an inside spy for her. Who knows.


"Cybil's" latest e-mail yesterday was that he was still lying and that if he was going to continue to lie to her about his work situation and when he would be starting his new job she would have to take drastic measures in order to find out what was truly going on. To her, he is either still working for his company or he has rejoined the military. She gave him a few days to give her the information or else! All I could do was laugh. First, he has explained through e-mail at least five times this past month that he has been looking for employment and had some promising prospects but nothing set in stone. Secondly, the military is not an option as she refuses to agree with any custody matters and seeing as he still has joint custody he needs her approval in documentation allowing him to join the armed forces. Obviously, she won't allow that because she doesn't want me to reap any benefits of him being back in the military again. Third, she keeps asking when he'll start his new position...Ummm. Let's see, when he actually lands a job he might be able to tell you that date but seeing as he keeps saying he hasn't, letting you know a date he is going to start a position would be a lie. Well, unless of course he can tell the future. 


This whole situation is just humorous. Who does she think he is? A fortune teller? Or better yet, Houdini? Yes, that must be it...He is just going to pull out the thousands he is hiding from his magic hat and fork it over to you. YES, that is exactly what is going to happen. Now, I'm the one sitting here shaking my head. What a tragic mess this woman is. Just tragic. "Cybil" is getting the maximum in child support but assumes the judge will grant her more just because she wants it. She has also gotten her child support since my husband moved out of their home, way before a child support order had been established and he has never argued about paying it. No matter if he struggled to make ends meet on his end or not, he has just always paid. My husband is a very proud man, and to be in this situation kills him, I know. She only makes him feel that much worse and I keep saying, don't kill yourself over it. All you can do is your very best. His daughter is not suffering, she in fact, spends all her time at her grandparent's house because "Cybil" is constantly too busy with her personal needs to care about what's going on with her daughter. She uses their daughter as a social pawn just as much as she uses her for a meal ticket. 


When we lived in Buffalo, we had his daughter living with us about 60% of the time minimum, sometimes more, and we spent nowhere near half of what she "spends" on maintaining her comfortable lifestyle. Their daughter had a very nicely furnished bedroom, we took her to amusement places, out to dinner, for ice cream, even to Niagara Falls. I would go out and buy her new outfits and toys, all while attending school so we were a single income household. It is funny to me that "Cybil" makes more than what we had, pays nothing in child support, actually received about $800 from him then, plus made several hundred more from part-time music lessons and still couldn't make ends meet then or now. I'm boggled by this information but yet, here it all sits in legal documents. There is something drastically wrong with this whole scenario but that is our legal system for ya! No use crying over spilled milk. "Cybil" will get her money and life will go on. Well, you know, she'll find something else to cry about, but that in our world, IS life going on. 


Onward and upward and shining on!
<3 The Nice Wife

'Tis the Season to Be Over It

So, today is the 1st of December and I am excited about the holidays coming up...I am trying to, once again, put all of the drama behind me and look forward to spending Christmas and New Year's with my beautiful children and husband. 

As I had previously forecasted in my previous blog, after e-mailing "Cybil's" mother I got the typical response of her not wanting to get involved. Eh, typical. I wasn't expecting much but I figured she would at least be a little ashamed of the way her daughter was acting. Nope, not a chance. I woke up the following morning with a response from "Cybil's" mother stating that concerning their relationship, she would not get involved. She was unhappy that their divorce had ever happened and was going to continue to not be involved. She thanked me for the note and wished us both well. Okay, well...My thoughts said:

Dear "Cybil's" Mom,
I am not asking you to get involved in their relationship I am asking you to say something to YOUR daughter about the way she is acting. If it was my daughter that was acting that way, I would definitely be saying something. I would think that I raised my daughter better then that. But it's okay, you want to shelter her and continue to enable her and let her act like a spoiled brat and torment people. Of course, she won't ever be able to do anything on her own even though she is in her late 30's, she is going to continue on with her childish behavior and not truly ever have anyone in her life that cares about her because of the way she treats people. She will never find another man that cares for her because all she does is continuously find "thugs" and "posers" who only care about "getting some" but that is all okay because you're still Mommy of the day as long as you don't piss off your little psycho princess.
Sincerely,
The Whore Who You Claim Stole Your Daughter's Man

But of course in reality...I wrote this:



"Cybil's" Mom,
Thank you for your response, like I said, I thought I would try. I definitely understand the position you are in and I am sure it is difficult for you to witness. I am not a supporter of divorce in any way nor do I truly know what their situation was like; but I do know it is not something I wish on people. It is a very difficult thing to go through. I care very deeply about my family and only am trying to protect them, I am sure you can understand. I wish you all well and hope your holidays are enjoyable and relaxing.

Have a great day,
ME

She then sent a reply with, she was still not getting involved but would let "Cybil" know that I had written her. Really? What the hell for? You know as well as I do that is just going to annoy her and fuel her fire some more. I didn't respond to her e-mail but felt I had gotten my point across anyways. My feelings for the rest of the evening were about how disturbed I was that a loving parent would actually just not care. She's on "Cybil's" facebook page, she is well aware of the things her daughter posts on there. My only assumption is that she is either in denial or just completely oblivious to the truth even though it's right in front of her. Oh well...Life Goes On.

I am looking forward to a new chapter in life and now that things seem to be calming down, at least for now, I just want to sit back and enjoy life.

I have been reading about other psycho ex-wives that men and their new spouses have to deal with and I find comfort in knowing that she isn't the only crazy Jezebel attempting to make people miserable. I feel sad in knowing that there are so many people out there suffering and having no way of stopping it due to the fact that they share children and actually care about their children. It is never the dead beat Dad's that have to deal with the psychos. Just the nice ones who just want to be an active member in their child's life and are forced to deal with these irrational nut jobs in order to do that.

I definitely believe that laws need to be changed and things need to be done. It surprises me that New York is still so far behind legally in divorce and custody matters. It was just this past year in October that they finally changed their divorce laws, becoming the last no fault state in the United States. Now THAT is insanity. They also don't base child support off the amount of time you spend with your child. They just take a percentage right off the top. So, yep, whether you're a physical parent or not you're paying the same. Way to go New York, that's the way to make fathers want to stick around. Hell, they can't even afford to give their children a fairly decent lifestyle unless they rent a room with someone because they already struggle to make ends meet.

But hey, that's just my opinion...

Onward and upward and shining on!
<3 The Nice Wife

AND She Decides to Continue...Stalk Much?

Early this morning I met my ex-husband at the park to pick up our two youngest children from him and as usual the comments were to a minimum as we generally don't have much to say to each other unless it is about our children. As I was getting youngest buckled into his car seat, my ex called out my name from his car. I walked over and he began to tell me once again that my husband's ex (who I am now going to call Cybil, because she's insane) was still contacting him about all the drama and asking for money. WHAT?

Extremely annoyed that she was too dunce to actually get that some people just don't want to hear your issues, especially when they don't know her, I drove home thinking. What will it take to get this woman to stop? Seriously. My ex-husband definitely had nothing to do with her craziness so why keep bothering him if he has asked you to stop? As I drove, I began to think about how unfair it was for people in my situation, who were not protected by the laws in any way. Here she is causing havoc in my life, for the sheer reason that she just can and there is not a damn thing that I can do about it but turn the other cheek. How messed up is this whole situation I asked myself?

I called my grandmother, whom I always seek advice from and she didn't answer so I called my mom. My mom knows all about crazy and when it comes to legal things and divorce she always has a story to tell. So, I called her and explained what I had just been told. The only thing she said I could possibly do was formally notify "Cybil" that what she was doing was now being considered harassment and that if it continued I would being filing a report/pressing charges. So, that was the plan...Below, is the original e-mail I sent (changed names, of course).

Dear "Cybil",


My, ex-husband, "John Doe", has brought it to my attention that he is still receiving unwanted contact from you through e-mail. I am now considering your actions to be that of a harassing nature and if it continues I will be contacting authorities and seeking to press charges. You have been asked several times for these messages to stop, as neither my ex-husband nor I are personally involved in your legal and financial matters. Thank you.


Sincerely,
ME

Harmless enough, right? HA! Never for the evil one. I went on with my day as I knew she was at work and wouldn't respond until she got home. Her reply was nothing short of sweet. She wrote back that if he asked her to stop, she would stop. And that just because I didn't want her speaking to my ex-husband did not mean she was harassing him. Ending it with good luck on filing charges on behalf of your ex. Hahaha!

Grrr...So, I wrote back:

He said he has, and asked me AGAIN to speak to you. And we do have grounds for filing charges. Just because you are unhappy does not give you the right to harass people who don't know you and are not involved in your situation. Maybe you should start looking into public defenders if that is the route you wish to take but I don't roll over for bullying. I never have and I won't start doing it now. Have a nice day!

Can you sense my frustrations by this point? I am starting to become all but pissed, and still remain composed, because if I just completely lose it and snap on "Cybil" you better know she will be filing abuse charges on me. Now, I obviously already knew that my ex would have to be the one to initiate any charges against the psycho as she wasn't really bothering me but bothering him but I'm the resourceful one. So if need be, I would do the foot work and just get his testimony. Whatever it takes. All I could see was red! 

"Cybil" of course, in her evil and taunting nature, writes back. "Okay. Go ahead then." Ooooh! GAME ON!!! (In my Stiffler voice from American Pie) At this point I choose not to write her back because obviously all of that is pointless and start off with an attorney. My husband's divorce attorney to be exact. I call her, even though I know in NY their office should be closed. I dial her extension and by the grace of GOD she actually picks up. So, I tell her who I am and ask if my husband had told her about what had been going on with his ex calling my ex. She says he had briefly mentioned it and so I tell her what has happened since. How it is getting out of control, how she is taking it to an extreme and is telling me that she doesn't have to stop contacting him if she doesn't want to. She expresses her sympathy about having to deal with "Cybil" and how she can imagine how frustrating it must be. She then tells me that although she can't do anything personally, if I would like I could file charges on her for harassment, but the best she could do would be taking it before the judge at their next court hearing and notifying his ex's attorney about her horrible behavior. 

This answer works enough for me, at least someone might have the gall to say something to her because everyone is terrified of her response and refuses to step in. It's one thing to be nasty to your ex because of a horrible divorce, but to be focusing all your attention on a person that has nothing to do with your divorce is just, well, psycho. I am hoping this gets through to her but I figure it most likely won't. What else can I do?

The question remains, how would she feel if the tables were turned? And then it comes to me, why don't I contact someone on her end? So, I do. I ask my husband for her mother's e-mail and write to her, respectfully of course, as follows:

Dear Psycho's Mom,

I am not sure if you remember me or not, I’m ME. I am coming to you as a last resort effort because I cannot seem to reason with "Cybil" at all and I was hoping that if anyone could talk to her it would be you. "Your ex son-in-law" speaks highly of you and you seem like a very kind and reasonable person so I am hoping that maybe you can talk to her and get her to be reasonable.

I have been in a previous marriage with the father of my children and somehow my ex-husband and "Cybil" came across each other on Facebook. Recently, as things have escalated between "my husband and Cybil" my ex has contacted me several times about "Cybil" sending him messages inquiring about "my husband's" whereabouts and telling him personal information about "my husband" that he didn’t feel was right. My ex-husband and I have a strained relationship due to our own nasty divorce but he felt that her accusations were a little extreme to begin with and thought "my husband" should be aware of what she was saying.

I personally could and should have reacted to this news in a more mature way but being angry that she was contacting him in the first place and then accusing "my husband" and myself of doing some rather horrible things I e-mailed her to confront her about it. Needless to say the e-mails did not go very well and the tension between her and I has escalated. I have asked her several times to refrain from contacting my ex and that if she needs to discuss things with "my husband" that she knows his contact information to do so. "My husband" has also asked her and that didn’t go over well either.

Earlier today when I picked up my sons from my ex he told me again that she was still contacting him and was now asking him for money and saying she was going to lose her home. He asked that I tell her to stop and I told him that I had already tried but I would see what I could do. I contacted someone with some knowledge on the situation and was told to formally write to "Cybil" and tell her that what she was doing was now being considered harassment and that if it did not stop my ex and I would be filing a report and possibly pressing charges.

That obviously did not go well either and she told me she could talk to him if she wanted and I couldn’t do anything about it. I have gone ahead and contacted "my husband's" attorney about the prior incidents and she is documenting it for the judge and contacting "Cybil's" attorney to ask her to stop. I have no personal involvement in their divorce, custody or financial agreements and would just like to live my life without the stress of having to deal with my name being slandered and my ex-husband constantly feeling the need to get me to tell her to stop.

I am in an unfair position here that has nothing to do with me at all. I know that "Cybil and my husband" are having issues with things going on between them and I feel that she needs to discuss these things with him or talk to her attorney about her concerns. I have three children of my own I need to worry about and support and I share that responsibility with my ex-husband. Since she feels that I am a threat to her and "their daughter" I have chosen to keep myself out of their battle as it is no business of mine. I do feel that my family is under attack and that her anger should be redirected to the person that this involves. I need to protect myself and my children and if that means that I have to file charges just to get a sense of relief from all of this then I will do so but I do not want it to come to that.

I am not trying in any way to tell her who she can and cannot talk to but when someone is asking you to stop contacting them and then involving me in it because it is so out of hand I feel that such a request should be respected. I am just hoping you can help make her understand my position and ask herself how she would feel if someone she was dating had an ex that was contacting "my husband" and making him feel like "their daughter" is in danger. My ex-husband is starting to feel like "my husband" is a danger to our children because she has portrayed him as being reckless, irresponsible and selfish. "My husband" is going through a difficult time right now, as I am sure she is as well and none of this is making things better.

Once again, I am sorry to personally intrude on you but I can’t think of any other way to get through to her before this spirals out of control.

Kindly,

ME

I found my letter to be nicely written and very respectful, though I had no idea what her response would be or what she would do. 

So, now I wait for either fireworks to start exploding or for "Cybil" to get a clue. I'm betting on a whole lot of nothing. People are a product of their environment and I'm assuming that either her parents enable her or they have her same crazy mentality.

Stay tuned for the drama.

Onward and upward and shining on!

<3 The Nice Wife