So, it's been a little while since I have last written and as usual there is always a ton of "stuff" going on in my life (much like everyone else). So, lately my drama has been with the past and present. It's not news to anyone that I am a wife...Not only am I a wife, I am a second wife and also an ex-wife. Each of those statuses come with their own feelings of entitlement, insecurities, wrong doings, the list could go on and on. But it is what it is.
I am married to a wonderful man, he could probably say the same thing about being a husband, second husband and ex-husband. We have our so-called "baggage", our hope for a better marriage the second time around and our feelings of doing things the right way this time.
I'll start with the status of being a wife (or husband)...This isn't my first go-around but it might as well be. You see, even though I have been married before, I am now married to a completely different person. A man who has different pet peeves, different mannerisms, different qualities...He is DIFFERENT. So, it would seem like this is my first time all over again because it is my first time with him. My first wedding didn't technically happen, we just eloped in Vegas. This time around I still had an equally small wedding in Las Vegas but it was more formal and not in a wedding chapel but in an amazingly gorgeous almond orchard called The Grove. Definitely look that place up, I swear by it. You'd never know you were in Vegas. Along with a more formal wedding my now husband and I also moved to a completely different state so we also had the chance of really starting over somewhere new, and that we did. I think this time around we know what we're getting ourselves into, we know who we are as people and we definitely know what we want out of a life partner. We both married fairly young, being truly inexperienced in love and relationships and just dove into what we thought would last forever. And as we both found out, the people we married and the people we were didn't stay the same and we grew apart.
Now, being an ex-wife is something new to me. I recently attended my oldest child's parent/teacher conference with my ex-husband. It was the first time we had been in the same room with each other besides being in a court room. We are now at a point where we act like civilized human beings instead of tearing at each other in front of a judge and other civilians but it is still quite odd. You sit there with a person you once shared so much with and you don't look at each other, don't talk to each other and sit as far apart as humanly possible without it being extremely uncomfortable for the teacher. There were some points where I almost felt sorry for our daughter's teacher as she seemed a little uncomfortable by our un-united front (something we're trying to work on). We have definitely come a long way from when we first began our divorce proceedings and I hope that one day we will be able to discuss our children by talking instead of just e-mails and text messages but one step at a time. The thing that I hate about being an ex-wife or an ex to someone you share a child or children with is the awkwardness if things didn't end nicely. Eventually, it gets to a point where you have to try to communicate in some form just for the sake of your child and you really have to be adult enough to put all of the hurt feelings and nasty allegations behind you. One day at a time.
Now, as for being a SECOND wife...Or for some people a third or fourth. I am the stereotype of the second wife. I'm significantly younger than my husband's ex-wife, as she loves to point out (and by the way he's quite a few years younger than her as well so it's not as if he's married to someone ten years younger than himself). She hates me, and when I say hates me I mean if she could run me over with a car and get away with it SHE WOULD. The feeling is pretty much mutual, we were introduced to each other when my then boyfriend wanted to introduce me to their daughter. Being the man he is, he had the respect to have us meet each other so she would know who her daughter would be around. I just had no idea, being the naive person, that I am that she would turn into a fire breathing dragon soon after. I know, I'll probably get some backlash for this part of my blog but in reality if you knew this women and all that she has done you couldn't honestly blame me. She honestly acts as if I am the reason for their entire marriage falling apart although I hadn't even met him until long after they had called it quits and he was living out on his own. I did try to be friendly with her, even befriended her on facebook and we exchanged e-mails for a short time. Then she just became obsessive about everything I posted and would take it out on him (now husband) for anything enjoyable we did that I posted pictures about. So maybe the facebook friend thing wasn't the greatest idea...I just thought her getting to know me a bit better would make her feel more at ease with her daughter spending time with me. WRONG.
It definitely didn't make it any easier when she decided that the in-laws she had once despised so much were going to be her new best friends and help her kick me out of the picture whether I wanted out of my relationship or not. All it has done is made my husband become an outsider to his family who now for whatever reason are not my biggest fans. I know the stuff she tells them, and when she involved their daughter and made it appear that I was of some harm to her it became an issue so big that they felt he should go running back to her and leave me immediately (even though she originally wanted the divorce). Was I hurt by these actions? YES. And I hurt even more for my husband who is the only one truly suffering from all of it. It's funny when someone shows interest in a person you didn't want how quickly you run back to try and claim ownership, almost like a small child with a toy. I know, bad comparison but it's true! I know how much my husband loves me and I wish his family could accept that and at least be civilized enough for us to all be a family but that appears to be too much to ask for. I only hope that in time they will come around. I have read the horror stories of the first wives causing a barrier between the new wife and her new in-laws and this just happens to be another one of those stories. I never felt they needed to disown her, she is the mother of their only grandchild...But whoever said they could only accept just one of us? As they say blood is thicker than water and apparently hers just jumped into their bloodline.
Being a second spouse has its battles...You have this horrible insecurity monster that often wonders if you are doing things better or worse than the previous spouse. That little monster can be the end of a really great relationship if you don't get over it quickly and move on. I had a bit of trouble with it in the start but read a book that gave me something to think about. If the person before you was so great they would still be with your significant other wouldn't they? The answer is yes. Obviously, they weren't that compatible or things would've worked out. Don't let it get you down and just keep on, keepin on!
If you can't already tell you should probably know that this is something I'll probably revisit every now and then so stay tuned for the "stuff".
Onward and upward and shining on!
<3 The Nice Wife
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